Dear World,
What is my life going to be like four years from now, 10 years from now? What does it look like?Will I make it in the world? Sometimes I feel so lost without a clue about what is my next move. Now that I have started a new school, I feel like I should have more people to lean towards when I feel lost, but yet I don't. At times, I sometimes think I want to be one of the popular girls with friends, but in reality they are not real or even nice. I don't want to be those girls Ever. I am going to do great things someday, I know it. I am a wonderful person who will eventually find where I belong.

Do You Think?

Do you think anybody knows this me writing these letters? Do people really know I even exist? Do I walk down my school hallways invisible? When I speak do people really listen?
Do they hear me ? I want to make a difference in this world. School is interesting. I like to think of it as a scientific experiment. I don't know what the outcome will be. I am unsure of the future just as unsure I am of what this week will bring. I like all of my teachers. I enter in the classrooms more mature and willing to learn then most of my other peers. At lunch, I sit with my friend and watch as people mill around the school. I wonder what they think and what they do. I see immature and crude students yelling obnoxious comments at passing students. I watch in wonder how they can just not even acknowledge school and their lives.
I look at students and wonder what their lives will be like after high school. I know what I want and how far I have to go to achieve it, but I don't know if I can do it. I am not yet confident in what I do. So far, I have enjoyed school. Today, unfortunately I got sick and am writing this with a head that feels like it might explode at any moment. I have joined four clubs which include the Drama Club, California Scholarship Federation, Reader's Club, and the Key Club.
The Key Club is an organization that offers community service activities and how to make an impact on the world today. Since I feel like I might explode or implode at any moment, I am signing off for today.

The Future

Well, the day has finally arrived and shortly I will be walking down the long hallways of a brand new school. I remember when the decision had been made that I would go to this school and I was genuinely excited, but now that the day has finally arrived I don't want to go. Nervous and scared jitters run up and down my body convincing my mind that I will fail. Although, this is completely without a doubt not even close to a truth, I still have this voice booming inside of my head convincing me otherwise. Somehow, I can't seem to get rid of this looming voice inside of me. On August 10th, I will walk down those halls feeling scared of the future ahead of me, hopefully in the years to come I will feel self-assured and hopeful for the bright future ahead of me. Today though, I have no idea what tomorrow will bring and am dreading the fast approaching doomsday.

Pressures

I keep pressuring myself to get educated on other people's fails at high school,

so I don't make any of the same mistakes. It is kind of ridiculous though, since by making mistakes I can learn and grow. Without making any mistakes, I am not growing. Am I ? I reading all of these articles and books about adults looking back on their high school experiences and realizing their mistakes and faults. Before, entering into high school, I want to learn some of the things teenagers often run into while in high school. Yes, I do know that I examine this way too closely, but you must understand that I don't want to use up my four years and have regrets. I have recently been reading an interesting book about a high school senior who makes a wish and is able to talk to her freshman self. Magically, she is able to talk to her freshman self and convince her younger self to switch around her life. The senior starts seeing slight improvements in her life as the freshman starts making changes. The senior had spent the whole three and half years not paying serious attention to school,but only to her boyfriend that dumped her before prom. Without him she suddenly is lost and realizes that she is going to a horrible college. Without the blindness of love, she is suddenly aware of where her life is going. Even though I am nothing like the character in this book,I don't want to make the same mistakes that she had regretted at the end of high school. Of course, that would never happen because I am so focused about school work. Even though I like love, I would never give up for someone. I suppose that is harsh, but think about it. If suddenly meet a handsome guy that swept me off my feet and I was blinded by pure bliss, I wouldn't just throw my books over my shoulder without a second glance. I am serious about school and getting into a good college. I push myself and needlessly fret about stuff that is going to happen in the future. When I am crashed on the couch frying my brain cells, I have this looming cloud over my head reminding me of things I have to do. I put this huge pressure on essays and reports, because I think that if I don't get a perfect paper I won't get into a good college. My life will end up nowhere. Nowhere...... the word drifts through my head making myself turn into this person that is constantly worried. Instead of taking care of these things, I procrastinate and wait hoping and wishing that somehow they will magically go away. Instead of having the luxury of spending two weeks working on papers, I spend the very last second scribbling away. Sometimes, I get a B and sometimes I can get an A. I guess I don't stop procrastinating because somehow things turn out. I want enter into high school a free-spirited and worry-free young woman. Perhaps, things won't turn out exactly as planned, but that is the fun of it. Nothing is the end of the world.
If I don't get an A, I dust myself off and try again. Life will move on and before I know it
the past will be a blur. It won't matter if I got a B on my History test nor will it matter if
the cute guy in my driver's ed will notice me, because throughout all of crazy things
that I face in the coming years it will help me become who I will be.

A sun behind the dark, cloudy days

After watching a heartfelt romantic movie, I realized that I have my whole life ahead of  me to find true love.
Although, I had thrown myself at someone I had thought was truly my love and had my heart crushed by a semi-truck, I know that there is someone that is meant for me out there. Instead of yelling and screaming out my anger, I let it go. Everyday I get up, breathe deeply, and know that even if today isn't a good day there is always tomorrow. There is always a sun behind the dark,cloudy days. Someone out there is made for me.
Even though, it probably wouldn't be any of my next loves and heartbreaks, he is out there.

Someday..

Do you know how some people just follow the leader and never truly stop and think about their lives? After school is completed, people go out into the world and find lives of their own. Is it really a life though? They continuously do the same thing day after day. I don't want to be one of those "people". I want to go out into the world and explore, find myself. Some people live their whole lives without truly knowing who they are inside.
I understand that because I am young, I don't know who I am at this point in my life, but someday I will find myself. Someday I will find someone who accepts me for me. I used to and probably still do, try to make people like me by being somebody I am not. Yet, that isn't true friendship or love, those people simply care about you because they believe you are somebody you aren't. When I head off onto my new path of life in high school, I hope that I will come to understanding of myself. It is a huge ambition, but I think I have what it takes to make it. One of my biggest obstacles, is that I can do a lot of different things, but I don't because I don't truly believe in myself. I have to believe that I can do something and I will succeed.

Picture Perfect

What is picture perfect? Is there such a thing as PERFECT ?
No, perfect doesn't exist. I have come to terms about perfect. The world has this image of a picture perfect person,someone that is skinny and beautiful. Young girls everywhere strive to be this "picture perfect" person. That person doesn't exist ! This image fills the minds of people everywhere because of what they see on T.V. and in magazines. Those people are fictional. They don't exist in everyday life. You won't see them when you walk to work or ride your bike around the neighborhood. I have always strived to be one of this "perfect" people. I realize that I am perfect the way I am. Why should I be like someone else when I can be me? Then the world would be like Camazotz. There would be no fun in the world. Although, I need to shed a few pounds, I am perfect the way I am. I don't need to look for others approval. People I knew wouldn't want to hang out with me because they thought I was weird or strange. Well, guess what? Weird is what makes people unique. So, what ? Is there a problem with unique ?
No! At least I am not like those people that thought I was weird. They are not interesting or weird , they are dumb and ordinary.
Nothing is special or unique about them.
One of my goals in life is to accept myself for who I am and be okay with it. At this point, I am just starting to accept and love myself.